A note to all women-
How many times a day do you find yourself apologizing, not for accidentally bumping into someone, but for your thoughts or actions? Just recently, I’ve noticed that I have a habit of apologizing even when there is nothing to be truly sorry for, be it at work, school, or even while grabbing a smoothie.
“I’m sorry this might be a dumb question but..”
“Hey, sorry to bother you, but could you turn the volume down?”
“Sorry! Think you have the wrong number.”
It turns out, I’m not the only person who has the habit of apologizing unnecessarily. In Amy Poehler’s book, Yes Please, she writes an entire chapter on apologies, and explains that “it takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for.”
As females, we are taught by society, the media, and even our familiar surroundings, that good-mannered girls apologize. I am all for apologizing when I am at fault, but why apologize for my opinions, desire to learn, or someone else’s mistake?
“Sorry” has become the new “Like.” It’s a filler word with little meaning, and just takes up space. It’s a bad habit that slips out of our mouths before we can stop it, and these so-called harmless words start to subtly change not only how we are perceived, but also how we understand ourselves.
How many times have you felt the need to apologize when someone nearly bumps into you? Out of 66 female students I surveyed at my high school, 60 felt that they had apologized for something unnecessarily in that day alone. This is not about a few girls being overly polite, but about deep-rooted issue in our culture.
On the first day of my internship this summer, I apologized profusely before asking questions that would help me be better at my job. After going on a run with some friends and going into their house for breakfast I apologized profusely for “sweating so much.” When my friend facetimed me and I picked up while wearing a face mask, guess what I did? Apologize! We apologize constantly yet unconsciously, and it is time we start being more conscious over when we do or don’t apologize.
On the flip side, there are so many women who are unapologetically self-assured and confident enough to just be. You probably see these traits not just in the cool, confident female role models of today -Beyonce and Rihanna- but also in your friends, coworkers, or even yourself. Just like not all men are rude and never say sorry, not all women may relate to this issue.
But for those who do, join me in making a conscious effort to stop apologizing starting today. Make yourself known and occupy space proudly. Expressing your thoughts and opinions does not make you aggressive, and asking clarifying questions does not make you stupid. Do not settle for hiding behind apologies just because some people cannot handle the brilliance that makes you, you. Make an entrance, and unapologetically shine like the sun.
Much love,
Anj
*modified from an article I wrote for my school paper, www.webbcanyonchronicle.